Communication 
2 Comments Descriptive writing coursework first draft.
The Room
Sweet, soft air running through every strand of hair on her body. Her long, silky hair flowing in the quiet wind. There is no noise. You can here a pin drop. Birds, side by side, flap their graceful wings parallel to the arms of the short, but well-built woman. Nothing but chalk-white surrounds her. The clouds are as white as the pillows that lie underneath the head of the woman. The alarm clock on her right shows 2:17am but she has no idea as she is high up in the sky with the clouds.
The cold, dark room has an old, wooden wardrobe in the right corner next to the damp, mouldy window. A shadow hovering opposite the. Presuming it’s just a coat hung on a hanger, however, it’s too dark to observe what it actually is. The small but narrow bed is unusually located in the centre of the room with an old, vintage mirror attached on the closed-door next to it. A figure laying under the pale white sheets, so still, people may think it’s unresponsive. Although she is stationary in her bed, in the sky, she is soaring all over the ocean blue skies.
A burst of sunbeams strikes the back of the flying woman, creating a similar figure on the immaculate clouds below. As the time on the alarm clock gradually passes every minute, the speed of the woman slowly decreases. The clouds get darker and misty. The gorgeous birds with abnormal wings begin to shed their feathers. The claws grow bigger and razor-sharp. Their eyes start to glow a blood-red colour and starts to shriek conspicuously. The light is fading away through the clouds. Alternatively, a minuscule stripe of sunlight suddenly appears through the inch big gap on the stained curtains.
At this moment of time, the storm like clouds stop moving past the woman. The unveiled birds start circling her and start to approach her anatomy. Now just from touching distance, the woman suddenly drops through the black clouds. Feet first, free-falling straight down from a inconsiderable height. The luscious black hair is following upwards as though she was electrocuted. The ground vastly approaching the stretched out feet. There are slow signs of movement in the bed. The view of the spikes is getting clearer every split second. The sound of high pitch voices start getting discomforting louder as she is closer to the knife-edged spikes.
Screaming starts to occur. The woman starts to move in discomfort inside the room. Tossing and turning under the The spikes are ten seconds away. The eyes begin to open. Nine, eight, seven. The head looks back up to the dark sky. Six, five, four. The sound is so high, it is almost impossible for a human eardrum to pick up. Three. Two. One. The girl looks straight ahead with her deep brown eyes. Bang. The woman is in front of the vintage mirror. Starring into her own huge pupil eyes, the sweat drips off the edges of her fringe. She looks right to the alarm clock which shows 8:24am. It has finished. The room is light in every corner. You would never see these images anywhere else but inside room.
Harry,
I like the idea of looking at a room in the dark and your mind playing tricks with you. This is called abstraction, where our brain sees something familiar and then fills in the gaps – it’s how comics work, but it can also scare us.
Proof-read your first paragraph – there are some typos here that obscure your meaning. At the same time, have a look at any repetition – is this intentional? How might you solve this if it isn’t? I would then suggest that have a look at each paragraph – what image are you trying to create? How can you make this clearer to us?
Learn the difference between their, there and they’re.
Re-read your first paragraph – why are the bird’s wings ‘obscure’ – you must have a careful look at your vocabulary choices and explore if a simpler and more appropirate word/image can be created instead.
Look at this sentence: ‘The alarm clock on her right shows 2:17am but she has no idea as she is hinge in the sky with the clouds.’ Please proof-read and edit throughout.