Class work 09/10/14

How I live now.

It was a peaceful and sunny day what was a great opportunity for all of us to have a little picnic in the green fields. It was my first time to have a family picnic as my parents in America don’t like them. The trees were swaying around gently and the humming from all the different birds was spectacular. I had never seen and heard such beauty before.
We were all watching hyper dance around in the yellow flowers. She looked so sweet in them. The birds gradually got louder and louder. It was nice. However Edmond thought otherwise. He looked worried then suddenly the wind started to pick up speed. My hair was flowing everywhere I knew something was wrong. The dog came sprinting past us an wizzed into the house. The fire was blew out. We packed up and we ran back to the house. As we were running back, the snow started to fall down. That’s if it was snow and not dust from the big explosion.


Posted

in

by

Tags:

Comments

One response to “Class work 09/10/14”

  1. jnorth Avatar
    jnorth

    Hello Harry,

    I like your second paragraph most. You really pick up pace as the effects of the explosion are felt.

    Target:
    I think you should explore the possibility of a different opening sentence, a different starting point for your piece. Re-read your second paragraph from ‘My hair was flowing…’ This has much more urgency and is an infinitely more interesting starting point. Why not start from here, or maybe even the next sentence?

React!